Category: Humor

Year-end Desk Organization

It’s December 2nd, and I’ve begun to implement my annual year-end discipline of sorting and organizing all my paperwork. This usually involves confronting multiple stacks of poorly arranged beshoven piles of paperwork, books, articles, advertisements, newspapers, ad magazines, and leftover popcorn bags. It’s not that I mind the appearance so much, but it’s almost cost prohibitive to add another room to our home to store it all. And my wife wouldn’t let me anyway.

I understand that the younger generation stores everything on their computers, the cloud, thumb drives, and peripheral hard drives. In our family, we are not there yet. My wife, as much as I love her, requires that every receipt or interesting article be copied and typically triple filed in at least three separate places. That must be for in the event our house burns completely down there might be at least one of the several files that will survive. I’m thinking this redundancy must satisfy some womanly innate desire for propagation. She would have done very well in the military where everything there has to be done in triplicate.

I tend to be of a bit different mindset. My desire is not to feel some sense of accomplishment by filing three of the same pieces of paper in separate files, but to be able to “find things.”

Because of this desire, over the years I have developed a rather sophisticated process of organizing and filing the things that I need very quick access to. I try to keep it simple and streamlined, believing everything should be at my fingertips at ready notice.

Rather than file articles and paperwork in skinny folders, hidden in a cabinet, I prefer to use my desk surface. Rather than having 48 or more separate folders, I have simply 7 piles of paperwork on my desk. Admittedly, I’m not always certain the article that I’m looking for is in which pile, but I know that it’s in one of the seven piles. For this reason, it’s only fair that you have a relatively large desk. My favorites are those desks which have pull out sideboards to add further temporary piles if needed. Additionally, it’s always wise to have your desk close to a wall surface to keep the piles from falling over. A room corner is perfect because it supports your filing system from two sides.

Now, a bit about the organization of these seven stacks of very important paperwork. It is imperative to realize that the seven pillars of data on your desk are only for “high priority” material which you have had some exposure to over the past five years or so. Anything other than that can be relegated to the floor or on shelves in front of the books on your bookshelves.

Please don’t think that these columns of receipts and articles upon the desk are static. It is an ever dynamic process of moving information from one stack of paperwork to another. This serves a couple of very important purposes. The most important is that while awaiting the football game to come on television, you can go to your desk and move papers from one stack to another, clearly demonstrating to your wife that you are doing some purposeful activity. This at least buys you some brownie points for watching football the rest of the afternoon and into the evening and Monday evening if you’re lucky.

Furthermore, there is something innately gratifying about moving paperwork from one stack to the other without having to actually “file” it anyplace. I am of the firm conviction that once filed, it is forgotten. With the desk surface system that I have, I know exactly where it is, on my desk…somewhere.

Another major benefit of my desk surface filing system is that if a person needs to move some of the top 50 sheets of paper or so to get to something residing at the very bottom of the stack and places the upper sheets on another different stack of data, you don’t need to worry about replacing it exactly where it came from. One doesn’t have to be worried about messing up the prior organization of your system because there’s no organization to disrupt anyway! Those papers can just stay where they are, and that can save a lot of time refiling stuff.

There are some limitations of this system, ceiling height, and floor load bearing restrictions. Dust can be a problem but I use a leaf blower for that. 

Another caution I would express after years of experience is to never, I repeat never, place a full cup of coffee on your desk surface. I am convinced that there is some mysterious magnetism between stacks of paper and a full cup of coffee that soon leads to a real mess. Be forewarned!

Some wives might have a problem with this system…mine does. One suggestion is to wait until all of your magazines and ads stack up on all of your seven piles. You can wait until things get almost unmanageable, or when your wife says something, and then you can throw away all of your magazines quickly. Start with the magazines because they’re thicker and tossing them lowers your stacks substantially, appears that you’re actually doing something productive, and fills up the waste basket. That way your wife thinks you’ve actually performed some task that day, and you can go on to watch your football game with a sense of accomplishment and hopefully some measure of your wife’s blessing.

Speaking of football, on the other hand the game is about to start and I think I’ll just start an eighth pile. I’ll do the sorting “tomorrow,” it’s my favorite day of the week.

 

They’re back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’
The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up?…

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!’

His name was Bubba; he was from Mississippi

…And he needed a loan,

So…

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the
Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over
the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines
around Sweetwater, Texas.”

“What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I
return?”

His name was BUBBA….Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because they talk funny does not necessarily mean they’re stupid.

> LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY.

> The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.

This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at
sea. She carried no evaporators (I.e. Fresh water distillers).

> However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log,

> “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.Constitution sailed from
Boston with a full complement
of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

> Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

> Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

> On 18 November, she set sail for England .. In the ensuing
days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and
scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum
aboard each.

> By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

> Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

> The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,
with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine,
no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

> GO NAVY!

I grew up in the midwest within its 1960’s work ethics. Then, before a child was 5 years old, he or she was taught the value of hard work and doing a job promptly and doing it well. The words of my parents still ring in my ears, “if you’re going to do it, do it right.” And that usually meant do it now. That is undoubtably where I met one of the first ugly words of my life. Uttered by my parents, it would interrupt and break into the sweet flow of my childhood contentment. Even today it is one of my least favorite words. It is the word “procrastination.”

Perhaps that is why I so much enjoy the similar southern phrase “Am a fixin to;” and I have adopted that as my personal mantra. For those of you not ensconced in the south, it means something akin to “considerin to.” It means: the task is there somewhere on your mind, usually way in the back, and you’re thinking about it…a little. It doesn’t mean you’re even going to do it at all, but it at least buys you a few moments of peace from your wife. Some semblance of “a fixin to” is conveyed in another of my favorite phrases, “When a man says he’ll do something, he’ll do it. You don’t need to nag him every 6 months!”

All this leads me to the conclusion that we need to use PC culture to change the harsh reality of this word “procrastination,” which has undoubtedly ruined and given many of us children so much emotional distress. I am sure that “many authorities” can be cited as relating this harsh term to our current societal maladies, such as snowflake sensitivities, overconsumption of sugar-containing beverages, and probably even that global warming I’ve been hearin’ about. After giving this topic its proper consideration, I think we need to soften the real meaning of procrastination to something more politically gentle. Perhaps we could call it “restication.” It’s a long word, so it sounds kind of sophisticated, and I think it would be adopted quickly by them smart folks… It would not mean putting things off because you’re actually too lazy to do them, but instead, a “rest” from this busy, chaotic, stressful life of ours. Yes, “restication” I think will do. The only question is, will my wife go for it? Now what was I “a fixing to” do?

lem