Aristotle on Friendship
Nicomachean Ethics
Chapters VIII – IX
On the topic of friendship, I would like to share with you one of the most poignant examples of genuine friendship found in the writings of antiquity. It is found in the Iliad, a book composed of Homer’s reflections on the Trojan War. In the Illiad, its author, Homer, who lived in the 8th century BC, shares an epic tale regarding the deep and abiding friendship between Achilles and his best friend and fellow warrior, Patroclus, near the conclusion of the Trojan War.
Here’s the context: This whole thing, the Trojan War that is, was started by a spat between three women over which of the three was the most beautiful. Imagine that! Anyway, tradition says that the three goddesses, Hera, who was the wife of Zeus and Queen of Olympus representing the care for women and the family, Athena, who was the goddess for craftsmanship and peaceful duties and wisdom, and Aphrodite, who was the goddess for beauty, love, and passion… They were together having tea, or some such activity, and an argument broke out about who was the most beautiful of the three. After some time, they decided to pose the question to Paris, who was at that time the king of Troy. It is said that Aphrodite bribed Paris to vote in her favor, which he did, by offering him the choice of any of the most beautiful mortal women in the world. At that time, it was reportedly Helen, Queen of the Greek king of Sparta, whose name was Menelaus. Because Helen was already married, Aphrodite contrived a kidnapping whereby Paris visited Sparta under the guise of an ambassador, captured Helen and fled across the Aegean Sea to his fortress in Troy.
Of course, when Menelaus discovered this, he had a hissy fit, and called his brother Agamemnon, who was the king of Mycenae, and the most powerful king in Greece, to his side and charged him with the task of gathering a large army and armada to sail across the Aegean Sea to recapture his beautiful and beloved wife. Noted warriors were called forth including Ulysses, Achilles, Ajax, and Agamemnon himself. Upon arriving upon the shores facing the fortress of Troy, the Greeks and Trojans engage in back-and-forth battles with neither gaining the upper hand.
Fast forward: Still on the shores of Troy, the Greeks have been there 10 years now, and everybody’s getting a little tired of this whole business, but Paris is still in his fortress in Troy with Helen. She’s happy there now because the god of love, Cupid, shot her with an arrow of passion; and she fell madly in love with Paris. So, things are okay between Paris and Helen. But King Agamemnon, the brother of King Menelaus, is still on the shores fighting his brother’s war.
Things aren’t going well for the Greeks on the plains before Troy. The scene is during the last year of the Trojan war, and Achilles is pouting, refusing to fight, secluded in his ship from the conflict because his Greek King Agamemnon has abducted his concubine Briseis. With Achilles not actively fighting, the Greeks had lost their most feared warrior. Unbeknownst to Achilles and any others, Patroclus who was Achilles’s closest of friends and fellow warrior, decided to turn the tide. By secretly putting on Achilles’ famed armor and returning to the battlefront, he attempted to trick the Trojans into believing that Achilles had returned, hoping that this sight would cause fear to return to their hearts. But the gods had other plans, and Patroclus was slain at the hands of the Trojan hero Hector after a fierce and noble combat upon the battlefield.
Upon hearing the news, Achilles laments to his mother, Thetis, “Mother, Olympian Jove has indeed vouchsafed me the fulfillment of my prayer, but what boots it to me, seeing that my dear comrade Patroclus has fallen – he whom I valued more than all others, and loved as dearly as my own life? I have lost him; aye…”
Later, having learned from the gods that he would die after he seeks revenge upon Hector, Achilles has these words,
I would die here and now, in that I could not save my comrade. He has fallen far from home, and in his hour of need my hand was not there to help him. What is there for me? Return to my own land I shall not, and I have brought no saving neither to Patroclus nor to my other comrades of whom so many have been slain by mighty Hector; I stay here by my ships a bootless burden upon the Earth. I, who in fight have no peer among the Achaeans, … Therefore, perish strife both from among gods and men, and anger, wherein even a righteous man will harden his heart – which rises up in the soul of a man like smoke, and the taste thereof is sweeter than drops of honey. Even so…I will force my soul into subjection as I needs must; I will go; I will pursue Hector who has slain him whom I love so dearly, and I will then abide my doom when it may please Jove and the other gods to send it.
Homer, Iliad 18
You know the rest of the story. Achilles died on foreign soil far from home, killed by a random metallic arrowhead striking his unprotected heel.
What is it that makes these stories of antiquity resonate within our hearts? Is it not because within the story there is a universal truth that speaks to us even thousands of years later if only one were to listen and reflect upon it? This prose of antiquity speaks of genuine friendship, what Aristotle centuries later would call the most noble kind of relationship, a friendship of character.
Within discussions of community and relationships, I thought it might be interesting to examine the topic friendship to some extent. From a philosophic viewpoint, one of the most noted works can be found within the writings of a tome called the Nicomachean Ethics. It was written by another Greek fellow whose name you have just heard mentioned…his name was Aristotle (387-321B.C.) who lived several centuries after Homer and the Trojan War. Contained in the Nicomachean Ethics, or Ethics, are Aristotle’s views on many issues of values, but he begins with first asking the question, “What is the primary concern of humankind?” or simply, “What is the purpose of life?”
First, he discusses the commonly offered answers to that question. Is it wealth? health? honor? Money, a long life, or fame? No, he says it’s none of these things. These are only the means to what man really is searching for. Man’s ultimate desire is something more than these things. What mankind is really searching for is “happiness.” He posits that the real aim of an individual is “happiness;” which from the Greek (eudaimonia” Gr.) – can be translated as “having a good spirit.” Therefore, pursuits of things like wealth, health, and fame are merely attempts to find happiness, but these, he contends, are insufficient. For a person to find happiness, Aristotle claims, one must develop their character by means of virtue. Happiness is found in becoming a noble person by means of exercising and practicing the virtues that lead to noble character.
These virtues, or what Aristotle sometimes refers to as “the good,” are discovered and developed by means of the process of arriving at a point of excellence. This point of excellence is sometimes referred to by philosophers as his concept of a “Golden Mean,” being a point of excellence which resides between the two extremes of deficiency and excess of that particular virtue. For example, the golden mean of excellence of the virtue of courage rests between the extremes of deficiency, that would be cowardliness, and that of excess, exhibited by a recklessness. These virtues are fleshed out in Books III -VII of the Ethics. The classic virtues consist of Prudence (Common Sense), Fortitude (Courage), Justice (Fairness), and Temperance (Moderation), but Aristotle discusses others as well.
We will examine these issues in detail at another time. But for now, I would like to get back to the topic of his concept of “friendship” which he discusses at length in Books VIII and IX. Interestingly, it has been claimed that this topic, that of friendship, within these two chapters comprise more material than any other single topic addressed anywhere else in the Nicomachean Ethics.
One might well ask, “Why would Aristotle sandwich the topic of friendship between the previous Books which discuss happiness and virtue, and the concluding Book X, which revisits the previous topics of pleasure, excellence, and virtue?
The answer might be that here Aristotle desires to make mention, in a principal manner, that friendship is both an experience of “pleasure” and also an experience of living the “right or moral” life. Both of which become a necessary component of how true happiness can be experienced. The seeking of pleasure leads one to ultimately discover the need to develop the personal character of virtue, which in turn, reinforces one’s capacity for genuine “pleasure,” because it is based upon a virtuous life. Friendship, therefore, becomes a foundational principle upon which meaningful relationships are built within community. Remember, Aristotle viewed man as a “social animal” …one who finds meaning and purpose within a community of relationships, resulting in a state of happiness or well-being.
Aristotle begins his discussion of friendship in Book VIII with these words, “After what we have said, a discussion of friendship would naturally follow, since it is a virtue or implies virtue, and is besides most necessary with a view to living. For without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods…”
Aristotle then proceeds with describing the many ways that friendship is needed in the lives of various individuals, the rich and the poor, the young and the old, parent and offspring, and even between lawgivers striving for justice. Within this discussion he describes that friendship is composed of both thought and action. He states, “…those in the prime of life it stimulates to noble actions – two going together – for with friends men are more able both to think and to act.”
After making the comparison between friendship and love in Chapter 2, Aristotle begins his analysis of friendship in Chapter 3, Book VIII, with the conclusion that there are three basic kinds of friendship: those of pleasure, those of utility, and those of excellence. He first makes several distinctions in the character of friendship, based upon one’s intentions in forming a relationship with another person. He claims that various persons develop friendships and relationships for different reasons, motivations and with different expectations.
1. Friendship of pleasure is based on the fact that certain people enjoy one another’s company, but what both parties really seek is their own pleasure. Since both parties are really seeking their own pleasure, these kinds of relationships often tend to fade and break off when that pleasure ceases or emotions change…commonly seen amongst young people.
…The friendship of young people seems to aim at pleasure for they live under the guidance of emotion and pursue above all what is pleasant to themselves and what is immediately before them; but with increasing age their pleasures become different. That is why they quickly become friends and quickly cease to be so; their friendship changes with the object that is found pleasant, and such pleasure alters quickly.
2. Friendship of utility is grounded on the mutual advantage that the party serve with respect to each other…or the usefulness of one to another. Like the friendship of pleasure, this type of friendship soon dissolves when the usefulness of the relationship no longer exists, and their relationship may eventually dissolve.
Aristotle describes the friendships both of pleasure and utility incidental to their current circumstances, and then easily dissolved as those circumstances change. However, there is a third kind of friendship described by Aristotle, that of excellence or of character.
3. Friendship of excellence or friendship of character depends on virtuous people wishing well for one another. Such a relationship arises from a character of virtue and a genuine desire for the other party’s best interests. Interestingly, Aristotle states that a friendship of excellence or character also includes, coincidentally, the benefits of both pleasure and utility, but is not contingent or “without qualification” upon either.
Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good in themselves. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of their own nature and not incidentally; therefore, their friendship lasts as long as they are good – and goodness is an enduring thing. And each is good without qualification and to his friend, for the good are both good without qualification and useful to each other. So too they are pleasant; for the good or pleasant both without qualification and to each other, since to each his own activities and others like them are pleasurable, and the actions of the good are the same or like. And such a friendship is as might be expected permanent, since their meet in it all the qualities that friends should have.
This type of friendship often leads to long-term relationships. Aristotle felt that this type of friendship was the most virtuous, but all too rare.
But it is natural that such friendships should be infrequent; for such men are rare. Further, such friendship requires time and familiarity; as the proverb says, men cannot know each other till they have,”eaten salt together.” Nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends till each has been found lovable and has been trusted by each.
Here Aristotle asserts that for those of a virtuous character, who experience friendship of excellence, mutual loving is more of the essence of friendship than being loved.
Now it looks as if love were a feeling, friendship a state of character; for love may be felt just as much towards lifeless things, but mutual love involves choice and choice springs from a state of character; and men wish well to those whom they love, for their sake, not as a result of feeling but as a result of a state of character. And in loving a friend men love what is good for themselves; for the good band in becoming a friend becomes a good to his friend. Each, then, both loves what is good for himself, and makes an equal return in goodwill and in pleasantness; for friendship is said to be equality, and both of these are found most in the friendship of the good. (Ch.5)
Therefore, Aristotle suggests that each person should love oneself in order to pursue the truly good and noble elements of both oneself and one’s friend. That will enable both to possess the greatest good. Or as the Bible succinctly states: “The second most important commandment is this. Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.” (Mark 12:31)
Aristotle summarizes the search for “happiness” as to discover the “greatest good” born out of living a noble life of virtue. He remarks in Book IX: “Those, then, who busy themselves in an exceptional degree with noble actions all men approve and praise; and if all were to strive towards what is noble and strain every nerve to do the noblest deeds, everything would be as it should be for the common weal, and everyone would secure for himself the goods that are greatest, since virtue is the greatest of goods.”
(Bk.IX: Ch.8)
There may be no greater love in friendship than giving one’s life for another. Perhaps this is most evidenced in the danger and tenuousness of war. In the book, Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose, he shares a note written by an American soldier in E Company fighting against Germany during WWII:
“How does danger break down the barriers of the self and give man an experience of community?” Gray asks. His answer is the “power of union with our fellows. In moments of danger many have a vague awareness of how isolated and separate their lives have hitherto been and how much they have missed… With the boundaries of the self-expanded, they sense a kinship never known before.”
Band of Brothers, Ambrose
Chapter 14: Kindle version
During WWII, in a battle thousands of years after Achille’s death on the Trojan plain, a different solder died. He, too, being killed with random shrapnel, like Achilles, dying on foreign soil far from home. After his death, a close buddy would write these words: “He wasn’t twenty years old,” … “He hadn’t begun to live. … and we wondered if the people [back home] would ever know what it cost the soldiers in terror, and hideous, agonizing deaths to win the war.”
Band of Brothers, Ambrose
Chapter 14: Kindle version
I’ll close with a familiar passage of Scripture: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13 (NIV)