Making Better Decisions – Taming Our Emotions
Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are part and parcel of who we are as human beings; for they intimately reside within our every impression and affection. In many ways they serve us well. A person’s warm smile grants us pleasure; and a nod of encouragement gives us comfort. Like a painter’s palette, emotions can color the day with either the bold tones of confidence, or the shadowy taints of doubt. Our landscape may be that of an enlightening sunrise or a forlorn darkness.
As beneficial as they often are, emotions can also become unwilling servants…taking us into realms of experience that are unwelcome. Feelings of anxiety or fear may undermine our motivations. Doubt may impair our intentions. Despair may defeat our decisions.
And, emotions can be overpowering, making them difficult to control. Like a sudden violent storm, they can suddenly arise over the horizon with the force of a terrifying wind raging against one’s wall of defense…challenging our ability to think clearly and to deliberate decisions rationally. Their force can progressively erode the self-assurance and perspective so essential to making beneficial decisions in both our personal and professional lives.
One can witness this process in many ways, some are quite dramatic, others are very subtle but persistent. Both of which erode healthy relationships and healthy self-esteem.
First of all, untamed emotions can affect our personal physical and mental health. As one struggles from the hold of doubt or anxiety, it becomes urgent to find release. Usually this is easily discovered, and readily available, by means of distractions or compulsions; neither of which are beneficial to one’s physical or mental well-being. Just consider the mindless activities that we pursue: Binge watching TV, internet gaming, compulsive cell phone use, overeating, overuse of alcohol and other addicting agents. Sometimes even compulsive exercise! All are ways that one avoids dealing with their unruly emotions.
Unchecked, these habits of distraction and compulsion can overflow into one’s academic or professional pursuits…interfering in the ability to confidently and purposefully complete their tasks in a responsible and timely manner. Underperformance soon leads to insecurity and poor self-esteem. Finally, social and professional withdrawal soon follow.
As one’s discomfort within social and professional settings increases, a person can become disconnected from others and pursue a more isolated lifestyle even to the point of having difficulties developing close personal or romantic relationships. Loneliness then quickly becomes a constant companion.
What are some of the warning signs that our emotions need tamed a bit, when our emotions are interfering with making good decisions?
- Poor self-esteem
- Defensive attitude, or an unwillingness to consider suggestions or contrary perspectives
- Repeatedly making the same mistakes
- Lack of self-awareness and insight when our emotions are counterproductive
- Impulsivity based upon uncontrolled emotions or desires
- Failure to accept responsibility for our decisions and actions, instead we blame others
- Desire to be in control, overreaction when things do not go our way.
- Difficulty making decisions, codependency, passive aggressive manipulations
- Becoming socially and professionally isolated
- Poor relationship skills, lack of understanding and empathy
An increasing body of information tells us that these experiences are happening at a cresendoing intensity than ever before. This push from untamed emotions is preventing teenagers from developing secure and healthy relationships; and. also preventing employees from being able to relate in a positive manner with co-workers as well as with their employers. Out of this concern has grown a concept currently known as “emotional intelligence.” It’s the new buzzword for learning how to meaningfully and purposefully perform within society and the workplace by means of understanding and controlling one’s emotions.
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is an effort to identify areas of growth potential and to provide essential skills to make good decisions. It focuses on how to cope with conflict and change with perspective and flexibility. Furthermore, there is a strong emphasis on how to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. In summary, it is a set of attitudes and actions that attempt to produce a more well-balanced and focused lifestyle.
Emotional intelligence can be envisioned as consisting of four basic components.[i]
- The first is what is referred to as self-awareness. This is the exercise of identifying strong feelings as they occur, such as anger, jealousy, or fear, in such a manner as to prevent them from interfering with beneficial decision making. It is to practice being aware of those emotions at the time so that proper intervention can be accomplished to prevent undesirable reactions resulting in untoward consequences. This also leads to a greater understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses, resulting in greater self-assurance. Furthermore, it keeps things in perspective because of a sense of mindfulness of the moment within the larger context of life. (getting to know yourself)
- The second aspect of emotional intelligence is a corollary to self-awareness. It is that of self-management. It is comprised of trying to manage stress and difficult situations by preventing strong emotions from overcoming critical thinking and rational decision making. It attempts to use self-control to prevent impulsivity and actions that are based on emotion rather than on well-reasoned and deliberative choices. It can also, shed some light on the causes of one’s difficulties of procrastination, and the need to develop the personal strengths of such manner as to allow for release from one’s fears and anxieties.. The goal is to demonstrate responsible performance by maintaining a focus upon goals despite emotionally charged and often undesired or detrimental circumstances. (controlling yourself)
- A third component deals with the person and their emotions within the context of social interactions. This is referred to as social awareness which allows a person to be able to perceive the verbal and nonverbal cues from others as social interactions occur. It is being able to develop the sensitivity of knowing how another person really feels, their emotional frame of mind as it oftentimes changes from moment to moment, or from circumstance to circumstance within a social environment. It also involves understanding how different groups of people interact and also to process how various attitudes and actions are played out within this type of social interaction. (which is a means of practicing empathy).
- The fourth or final component of emotional intelligence is what is referred to as relationship management. This deals with the actual working with other people in the context of being aware of their emotional state and one’s own emotional frame of mind, whether it may be during a work event or within a social setting. It is to develop the skills to connect with individuals in a positive and meaningful manner and to exercise some feedback to oneself in what works best and what does not. By learning how to communicate clearly, one can inspire and motivate others resulting in greater cooperation within a group. It may involve teaming activities, social activities, common hobbies or interests, or any group activity that builds relationships in the environment of mutual respect, safety, and imagination. Ultimately, it hopefully leads to relationships that are beneficial and productive to both parties. (building mutuality)
It is hoped that pursuing these endeavors will assist individuals in acquiring an improved self-esteem, from which they can make more effective choices and decisions, whether in their personal lives or within their academic or professional endeavors. For those who have difficulties making decisions because of overwhelming emotions it is helpful in developing an identification, or labeling of those emotions within a well understood context.
For many, it may involve stepping out of their comfort zone and dealing with fears of failure, ridicule, uncertainty, or even fear of success. It may involve letting go of old grudges or regrets of the past. It may involve surrendering a sense of entitlement, jealousy or rebuttal.
It has been interesting for me to read about emotional intelligence. I find that much about what is written now from a psychological or academic perspective are simply common sense principles that my parents taught me when I was young. It starts with the common courtesies of others in the language we use with one another. The simple words of “please” and “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” or the phrases, “help me understand,” “why,” or “I make this mistake often.” These kindly attitudes of respect and humility go a long way in building the relationships that are so meaningful later in one’s life. For some curious reason these attitudes of respect and humility generate a sense of self-esteem that does not beg for attention, sympathy, or the need to associate with negative individuals in order to find acceptance. Instead, they demonstrate a willingness to make decisions, not from a position of emotional impulsivity, but from a perspective of empathy towards others, and by the use of critical thinking skills of deliberation. Rather than becoming paralyzed by their fears, they understand that mistakes will be made; but they regard them as experiences of learning or tools for personal growth.
It is a slow process. But like many, emotional intelligence, and maturity, can be realized by means of deliberate and consistent application of constructive principles of attitude and behavior. By habitually practicing basic personality skills, one can build the necessary personal and interpersonal relationships which lead to greater self-esteem which lead to more effective and beneficial decisions in one’s personal life and within the context of their profession.
So, what principles construct the emotional intelligence a person requires to live meaningfully and productively?[ii]
- Self-examination: Take time to examine and analyze your emotional life carefully. Perhaps a certain day of each week (e,g, Sat or Sun) or a certain time each day (in the mornings or evenings)…But do it gradually, consistently and with reflection. Do so with a kind and forgiving spirit towards oneself…but also, with unflinching honesty. Make a sincere effort to journal your thoughts, your questions, and your insights. For example:
- What emotions and actions do I typically respond with in circumstances of conflict or constructive criticism? Anger? Rebuttal? Blaming others? Withdrawal?
- How do I view relationships? As social interaction, as utility as mutual commitment? What am I willing to put into each kind of relationship? How do I usually respond emotionally and in behavior when someone disappoints me or rejects my friendship?
- Build Self-esteem: Work at building self-esteem: Some persons begin this effort from a place of deficit. You may recall the old expression, “Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never harm me.” Well, the truth of the matter is that words do harm us. Perhaps not physically, but certainly emotionally. That is especially true for those who are particularly sensitive by nature. What builds self-esteem? Does over-sensitivity have a role in harming self-esteem? What role does completing tasks well have? Don’t dwell in the bucket of past mistakes and misgivings.
- Avoid Negativity: Don’t hang around negative people. Don’t frequent negative social sites. Don’t compare yourself with others…avoid jealousy, envy, entitlement, dissatisfaction. Let go of past grudges, feelings of rejection, desires for revenge. Realize: “You are unique and richly blessed.” Celebrate who you are. Strive to find happiness within.
- Practice envisioning the Big Picture: (“it’s not all about you”); Avoid self centeredness, self-absorption, desires for control. Reach out towards others. Volunteer. Read biographies or autobiographies of noble individuals who lived for others of need. (Churchill, Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Bonhoeffer.)
- Request honest feedback from others of trust in an attempt to identify your blind spots. Parent, spouse, trusted friend, or co-worker. How do you come across to various people, in various circumstances? What are your personality “quirks?”
- Socialize: Practice developing your people skills of connecting, purposeful listening, and empathizing (but not pandering). Develop and foster at least two close personal relationships outside of your immediate family.
- Maintain realistic expectations: “not too big, but not too small” Remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
- Practice financial responsibility: Avoid one of the major stressors causing anxiety and depression. Exercise the wisdom of old adages, “Live within your means;” and “Save for a rainy day.”
- Sprinkle each day with the spices of life:
- Humor: Enjoy humor to lighten the day and relate to others, lightheartedness, play
- Music: Try music for a mood lifter; few things can compare with good music to improve one’s mood and bring joy to the moment.
- Good Literature: Read good literature for inspiration and perspective on life
- Give: Reach Out: Perform A Good Deed for Another Person, whether friend or stranger
- Grow: Develop a new hobby or skill or topic of interest
- Develop Insight: Look for events of inspiration in each day
- Stay active and engaged: exercise, eat well, socialize with good friends regularly
- Practice gratitude: Count yourself blessed for what you have, and find appreciation for even the simplest of things.
- Develop a new friendship – remember man and woman were designed to live in relationship for the blessings enjoyed by oneself; but also the blessings one gives to others.
[i] https://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/emotional-intelligence.htm;
Authors: Jeanne Segal, PhD., Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson, and Jennifer Shubin
Updated July 2021
[ii] On-line article; Paul Brian, Hack Spirit:10 personality traits of happy people; December 2, 2022