Sneaking Christmas Cookies
I wouldn’t say that I’m quite fat, perhaps “rotund” would be a kinder word. I’m sure there are many disadvantages of being in such shape, but the most troublesome one is that I have a wife who sternly watches my ingestion of sweets. This is a particular serious problem at Christmas time.
Mind you, that this is a season when she bakes dozens of Christmas cookies, and I am exposed to the aromas of chocolate, vanilla, and spices throughout our home all day long. And I’m expected to exercise some self-control? Because of this, I have become somewhat of an expert on sneaking Christmas cookies. I assure you it is purely out of desperation.
The first thing one must do, and understand clearly, is that you have to act disinterested. While your wife is baking, do something constructive like reading the comics, checking out the latest sports scores, or moving things around in the garage like you’re actually doing some organizing. But whatever you do, act as though you don’t notice the tantalizing fragrance of her baked delicacies. This gives your wife the false confidence that her cookies are safe.
The second thing you need to know is the hardest part. This is where the real discipline of Christmas cookie sneaking comes in. You have to wait until your wife leaves the kitchen and goes to take her shower. Now, you can strike. If your wife hasn’t already hidden them in the washing machine, beneath the sink, or in her car trunk, they can usually be found in a round cookie tin in the kitchen somewhere. This is why you must strike fast, before she can hide the cookies after they’ve cooled.
Now comes the sneaky part. You have to make sure that she doesn’t notice that any cookies are missing. This involves taking a cookie out of the cookie tin, then rearranging the cookies evenly so that she doesn’t notice that a cookie is missing. Unfortunately, this only works for the first six or eight cookies you take. I have tried putting a stack of napkins underneath the cookies in the tin to make it look like there are the same number, but that doesn’t work very well unless the napkins are the same color as the cookies.
The final part involves hiding the evidence. You have to disguise the cookie crumbs. Only eat brown cookies over a wood floor, or white sugar cookies over a light thick carpet. That way the crumbs are harder to see. Cookies with sprinkles are the hardest to disguise, so sometimes I have to go outdoors to eat those. Whatever you do, don’t eat them over a tablecloth because she’ll notice the crumbs right away, and she’ll make you clean them up after she scolds you. Another way to hide your evidence is to eat the cookies over the kitchen sink. But you have to be sure to wash the crumbs down the disposal or she’ll notice those, too.
Nighttime cookie sneaking is a whole topic by itself. If your wife has excellent hearing, like mine does, she will inevitably hear you rummaging around in the kitchen in the middle of the night trying to open the cookie tin or opening the refrigerator door to get some milk. The solution is that you must keep a cookie stash somewhere else in the house. This is probably best done in the bathroom where you can fake the fact that you have to go to the bathroom, and instead have a couple of cookies that you’ve previously hidden. But don’t forget to wash the crumbs down the sink!